Archive - Frary's Fresh Flowers

Ever had one of those days - well one of those weekends... in fact one of those weeks... when you know your life is going no where?
well that is how I feel most weekends in Libya and the closer I get to going home the worse it gets as the closer I get to going hime then the closer I get to coming back.
During the week it ain't so bad as I am working - not hard but working. I only have the evenings to brood themn but Fridays and Saturdays I have the whole weekend to brood on what I could be doing in the garden - what I should be doing.

this weekend has been even worse because I am going home on Monday plus I spent last weekend watching the DVD - the Victorian Flower Garden - and this weekend I spent it watching "the Victorian Kitchen Garden". it is a series from the 80s that i never saw originally. Well worth watching. The kitchen Garden Series went through a month per programme so I saw all the things I should have done in June - all the planting I should have done. And then there were the two main people in the series - one was a Professor in Botany - I should have done that, the other started off as a journeyman in the 30's and worked in walled garden for 20 years then ran the garden himself as a nursery for 40 years... I wish I could have done that - 60 years growing things - but that is now impossible unless I live to 100 which I wouldn't mind as long as I am never the oldest person alive - ever (because my wife is 9 years older than me).

Both of their fathers and their grandfathers were head gardeners - i.e. they were born into gardening families and were working and learning as soon as they could walk or talk i.e. they knew what they wanted to do and have done it and have been happy doing it. I really envy that. I didn't really know what I wanted to do as a child nor as an adult and it is only recently in the last few years that I knew what I wanted to do - to grow flowers.

Much as I would like to I can't blame my parents - that would be the easy way ou - again I have often been envious of children who were pushed as they grew to be the best at their chosen professions. But then there are those who were pushed but didn't get to be the best. And there are those who are pushed and pushed but could never be the best at that because they are genetically incapable - either physically or mentally not gifted in the particular field they were being pushed in. That must have been hell for the child (and i can now appreciate that it could be hell for the parent too). So that is why i do not, could not, blame my parents. They didn't push me, I didn't push me.

I see the same in my children - we have always tried to encourage them in whatever they wnted to do but never really pushed them. They have found their skills (well the girls have - the son is still drifting like I did) and though they may not be driven or may not be certain of what they want to do they seem to be getting there.
#My son is too much like me in that he doesn't know what he wants to do or isn't prepared to push himself. he starts many things and never finishes them. in that he is not like me. When I start something I usually finish it even if it is at a lower level than I should be capable of I still finish.

So why is this relevant - well I am just drifting now - I feel like I am waiting for my third life to begin or is it fourth (student/teacher... raising family... chemist/manager...) as a gardener and waiting for the spark or the crisis point that flips me from the current mode of manager into the desired mode - floriculturalist - is playing on my nerves. I know what I don't want to do... I know what I want to do so why can't i flip from one to the other?

I know, it's risk aversion. I have always been risk averse (though you might not think so from my CV) as are we all to some degree but I have gone too far back into my comfort zone that it is starting to suffocate me. However the risk I am contemplating is such a giant step outside the comfort zone - way way beyond the risk zone that i just can't do it while there are still a couple of dependents that need supporting.
perhaps next year, perhaps next year - I can see that mantra going on for another 15 years until I retire and it is too late to flip.

And now I start to fel like this is one of those moany letter I used to write when I was a student - it's a kind of a "no-one understands me" teenage moan - I'll start listening to coldplay and Travis and all those other miserable bands I can't stand if this goes on. Therefore I need a blast of something uplifting... and then I'll try to find something flower related to slot in above... hearts and flowers of course it has to go in somewhere up above (and that has brought a smile to my face - actually physically has).
Heart shapped leave any one?

Heart shaped flower beds maybe?